I have made a decision as the result of arriving at the point where I am totally bored of my history and even more bored of my reaction to it.
Details are not needed here, and I feel I need to add that I have, over the years shifted lots, but this is the dark shadows left. All the piles of crap are gone, it is the subtle residue that still colours how I react and see.
So I have taken the drastic step of choosing to change. Not that it is the first the first time I have made the choice, I have been doing so for many years, but I am working on the physical remnants of all the rubbish.
There are certain yoga poses that I have always hated. I have avoided them because I suppose they hold the emotional response that I am talking about. The poses are camel, bow and stretch pose, that combined with Sodarshan Chakra Kriya is my current sadhana.
I can feel it all starting to shift inside me and I must confess to not enjoying myself.
But I am watching my feelings rather than having them, and sitting in the candle light at 5am this morning it was a full-screen, cinematic trauma. I sat there, holding my breath and doing the meditation just thinking over and over Äúit is not real, it is my mind, my mind is not my friend right nowÄù. It did help, actually and although I feel rather emotionally hung over, I know that the postures are potent and it will be good in the long run.
I pointed out to my husband, very sweetly, that I am working on changing. Had he noticed? I asked sweetly. No.
I could get upset, but I am working on changing so I went to sleep. So grown up! I wads thrilled and saw it as a huge change.