Self control and responsability


I am having to move into a new phase of being responsible. I am good at getting things done, but I only want to do the things I want to do. I lack a certain kind of self discipline that would get me to do the things I don’t want to do with the same enthusiasm I approach those things I do want to do.

I am conscious of how much I resist. I don’t want to resist any more. I want to work on all that needs doing without attachment. I know, it sounds so elevated, but the reality is that I can be very flakey and then get really upset at what is left to be done.

It has hit me know. It is exciting and stimulating to write the DVDs, filming is hard, but great fun. Then there is a break and I have nothing to do with the project for a while and in that time I move on and work on other things. Suddenly I have to get totally involved again with the DVD, like now with the vegetarian cooking one, and my mind will not focus. It needs to be beaten into submission and I have to pull myself back onto the project and force myself to sit here. Like this morning. I have to write and record onto a video camera all that I want to say for each recipe, then it will have to be transcribed and I read it again, sounding enthusiastic and as real as I can get. Sadly I have to watch myself, which I hate, and at 4am it is challenging to sound bright and lively. Here is my point. I need to beat myself into doing it. One and a half hours later I have done 3 or 4 recipes. So it has dawned on me how huge the job is and I struggle. I want to whine and complain, but it is my project. My great idea. I have to move into a different place to make sure it works. I have to move into another space when it comes to responsibility. Here I go.

As far as being vegan is concerned, it is now more than a month and I feel so different it is truly extraordinary. I had thought I would struggle to keep going, that I would fight and rail against it, gradually descending back into eating large amounts of dairy, but no. I am very happy. We went to a gallery opening last night and brought a friend back for supper. It took a few minutes to prepare a spelt pizza base, 4 in fact because the children work up and wanted more supper. We had vegan pizzas with asparagus, artichokes, roasted peppers and for the kids, mozzarella cheese. So delicious, really good. It was a real celebration of good food, made in a flash.

I sleep better, have lost weight, wake up feeling clear and energised, my skin is better and I am much less stressed. I am intrigued to see how long it will go on for.