Sadly this is the reality. I can get all buzzed out about my hair, and wish I had done it sooner and feel sassy and look good, but it is so temporary.
I remember, many years ago, a male friend that I had know for years. He leaned forward over his cappuccino in some smart Chelsea bar and I saw that he had breasts! I was shocked. I was. It does not happen often, but that day I was speechless.
He went on to explain that he was in the process of a sex change. He was married and did a pretty hefty job in the film industry. My mind was expanded and I just nodded supportively. The intensity of the whole drama was pretty wild and it took about a year of drama, high energy and such excitement for him becoming her.
I remember so well the come down after. It was not enough for him. Where ever you go, there you are. As they say.
The dramas subsided and then there was still the daily reality of just being a woman instead of a man. It had not actually solved anything at all.
So, back to now and yes, a good haircut is a wonderful thing, but I can still wake up at 4am with the cold hand of fear crushing my heart. Increasingly I watch it and wander around inside myself looking at what the actual feeling is, where it comes from, where it goes, how my breath changes, where I tense my muscles and try to block it all out.
There are moments when I feel no real sense of independence or choice at all. As though we are all just ants wandering in a controlled chaos. All totally expendable to some other forcesÄô idea of what the ÄúgoodÄù is. The feeling is not great and can really invalidate the joy of a good hair day.
But I get up, do my press-ups (for will), leg raises (for projection), stretch pose (for nervous system strength) and little by little I am me, and it is all good. 11 minutes of meditation for the neutral mind and I can stand up smiling.
I think, I know, that I no longer want to be a pawn in a large game. When are we all going to look around and say ENOUGHÄ¶.? I think it could be time. The police are now looking to the dissatisfied middle classes for signs of imminent acts of terrorism. It is easy to see why.