Sitting on a train going to Scotland, I have to confess that the tricky period has not yet ended, and it is the endless fear and pain of it all that is making me question my approach to life.
I think I have spent most of my adult life, which I dived head-first into when I was 17, in a state of fear and dread of some sort. Usually financial, quite often fear of abandonment.
I know this is nothing new, that I have been examining my attachment to fear for a long time, but recently I feel there has been a new perspective.
I think it is that I have a better over view. As though I can levitate over myself and see from another angle. The tendency to projective thinking is really annoying me. I woke this morning and found myself feeling low and immediately my head ran with it and unraveled the disjointed thoughts into a web of nightmare and failure. By the time I was making the daily juice I was struggling to hold back the tears. But all that is bringing up the emotion is my projective fears. Everything is good right now. Here. Today.
I sit on the train to Scotland and try to be here. Moments of yes, rapidly followed by moments of the future. And why is it always so bleak? Why do we not just turn away form the internal struggle and smile at right now, viewing life with hope and possibility? Why can we not see the mind for what it is and forgive it, whilst swiftly moving on? The awful furnished rut of our memories and fears needs to be sold on. Mine certainly could do with a good bull-dozing.
On a lighter note, ironically, I have just read through this monthsÄô issue of Vogue. It did not lift my spirits. Waif like, bone-thin, rich and well-connected are the rules of the day. The rest of us just have to muddle through on the side of the pitch.
I think it is a great step into self-esteem to leave the monthly glossies alone. I only picked it up because I could not find the book on Numerology that I am meant to be studying. Funny, either teach myself a great skill or torture myself by comparison. How wild and cruel the mind really is.