I look at my sisters and can vividly remember being small. Not that small, as sadly most of my childhood is a blank. I visualise very little. But we were talking the other day about a place in the woods where we used to hide from the step father and play. It was underneath the larch trees, where the bracken grew into the brancehes and was pulled up as the trees grew. There was a network of passages underneath and rooms where we would pass all the day in games and arguments.
I look at my children now and really have a sense that somehow time folds. I sat meditating this morning with my daughter on my lap, wriggling away, and realised that it will be gone, that time is so short. I may want to meditate so desperately, to connect to God so deeply, but she will only be 3 and a half for one month. It is nothing. It passes so fast, and I would rather be kissing her head and holding her in my lap in that instant, because I think there is nothing more important than being there.
I remember another moment. Aged 15, being tortured by psychic stuff that I could not grasp, trying out astral projection, and in reality standing on Hadrians’ Wall. I really had the absolute experience of time folding. I saw Roman Soldiers, I saw the darkness in the Universe, I saw the beginning of time, I saw the moment then, the other people. All was there at the same time. I was truly shaken. I could not tell anyone, I could not make sense of it until I grew older, almost only recently. Where I really understood what was going on. That it is all an illusion.
I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night. We were talking about infinity. What holds Infinity. I used to ask the Nuns at school. I was at a fundamentalist Catholic boarding school, and it was a question that would drive them beserk. I have no issue with Infinity now. Why not? Asked Baptiste. I am just very relaxed about the whole idea of time, the endless expansion of the Universe and why we are here.
It seems to me that we have to go back to God. Return to our total sense of Divinity and that is it. That is the meaning of ife. Isadora keeps asking when she will die, and when I will die.
It is then that it all starts to get tricky. I am sorting it out for myself as I answer. More soon.