The Walls

709

Think of it in this way; when you run into a wall—
which naturally happens—look for the doorknob.
You will find it . . . its attached to a door.
Turn the knob, the door opens . . . now walk on through.
The cycle begins anew . . . its called growth.
Guru Singh

I like this. Simple, to the point and absolutely how it is. An endless cycle of repetition. I think this is one aspect that I rail against, the repetition. Why is one good meal not enough? Why does it have to go on and on, three times a day? Why do I endlessly have to repeat actions…
I always want new experiences, change, something else and that is the wall; the endless lack of acceptance of what is, of my reality, that creates the Hell I go through.

Acceptance. I long for acceptance. I long to let it all be exactly as it is, no desire for it to be anything else. But no. Not yet. More walls, more doors, more repetition.

Up until a few days ago I had spent several weeks in a state of peace and stillness. A really wonderful experience; simple, calm and peaceful. It has disappeared completely, so much so that I really struggle to remember that it was even possible. I have read my writing during that peaceful time and I can see that it did exist, but how to get back there? What changed? I am not aware of doing “it” differently at either end of the two extremes but one day I woke up and it was gone, as though it had been stolen in the night. I find myself searching round for the thing that I dropped, lost or mislaid that led to the cavern of emptiness opening up again with lots of room in it for fear, stress, depression and drama.

I suppose the difference is that I do not want to go there. I am conscious and watching what is happening, what potentially lies ahead of me and I refuse to enter. I stand at the entrance to my personal hell, feeling the cold, damp chill leaking out but refusing to slide into the familiar pain and angst.

Gosh, I know it can sound terrible, and I am sure I will get the usual admonishing emails telling me I am supposed to be setting an example and not show this side, but I do feel that reality is something else. If one cannot embrace and know the darkness how do you understand how wonderful the light can be?

I know that once I get through this it will be lighter. I will be lighter and the bigger cycle will turn again. Another lesson, another learning curve.. more darkness to open up even more light.

May we live in interesting times.