Sunrise and realities

542

I ran early this morning and it was so wonderful. At 5.30am the sun was just beginning to rise, and as I got warmed up and into my stride, running through the dew and the perfume of may blossom, suddenly there was that amazing moment when the rays of light cut through the shadows, the birds are still and silent for a moment, the shadows suddenly seem so dark, the light spreads it’s wings and it is morning.

It is the most blissful moment and I miss it every day, either because I am asleep or my practice is being done inside. I forget how wonderful that time is. I forget how wonderful so many things are in my longing to be elsewhere, doing other things. But today I was absolutely there. Breathing, watching, running and loving every second. I even managed to keep a mantra going and thought of nothing stressful until I ran across two very unsavoury characters on bicycles. Luckily I had the very large poodle with me.

And now it is belting down rain.

Otherwise, designing clothes is an interesting life choice. Then personally selling them takes it to a whole other level. I meet wonderful people. Not all women, but mostly, and it is such a great experience to help them go through the choices and find new ways to look, new ways to feel about themselves. It is similar, very similar to making a beautiful portrait or doing a transforming piece of bodypaint or a great beauty make up on someone and they look in the mirror and see something so very different than their usual perceptions of themselves.

I spent a couple of hours with a woman yesterday, going through all manner of different options and by the time we had finished she looked so great. So comfortable and so happy. But not because she was wearing a “tunic” (as I was offered the other day in a shop, so I could hide myself away in it) but because she had found clothes that brought out her elegance, her colouring and her character. I loved every minute. It also makes the drama of the making and the shipping so worthwhile.

I am looking into manufacturing here, but I cannot truly see that it will simplify anything. I think it will just add more drama and responsibility to an already huge task. But I will not be daunted. I will pursue the idea until I know for sure that it is or is not viable. To this end I have signed up for Drapers Record and am attempting to make sense of the short courses available at the London College of Fashion. Argh! They say they have no more catalogues and their website is a labyrinth.

It is my day off and I have a long list of tasks to complete. Will I get to the end without stopping and relaxing? How many of the more hideous tasks will I try to side-step? How responsible and grown up am I, really?

Two odd experiences recently, both worth a mention. One was a film Shortbus, lent by a friend. Not for the sexually squeamish, but not pornographic, either. An interesting tightrope walk between the two, all about orgasm or not. The other was being directed towards Tainted Love by Marylin Manson. I sat on the sofa with the children last night and went through the punk years of my youth, looking at Toyah Wilcox and the Thompson Twins, Madness and Bowie all neatly corralled into some delightfully lightweight arena by Marilyn Manson. Strange. Good, but strange. Talking about body image, as I frequently do and have done today, knowing whom he was married to, seeing his face and his version of reality it was a little odd. Not bad or shocking, but I then watched him being interviewed on some USA talk show with Dita and after a few minutes gave up. Wrapping paper. Pretty, but highly disposable.

There are so many levels of reality, so many versions of who we are, who we think we are, who we want to be and who we curl away from. So many things we hate, about ourselves, the world, our history and the reality of others. Where is the centre of it all? Where is the place of total acceptance, no judgement, no history colouring now, just exactly how it is and it is fine?

I often wonder if when I get there, will I just disappear? Will it all peel away and reveal some totally other existence? Will I be astral travelling through the Eagle Nebula? Ah, my dream trip.