Strange days


I am, we are having a strange experience. Since lunchtime on Wednesday we have had no email and since yesterday morning, all day, there was no internet either. It is very strange. All quiet, calm, peaceful and still.
I know that people get addicted to the internet, and it is easy to see why, this thing that holds so much, emails coming in and needing a response, junk mail to get cross and offended by.
It sits in the office and controls the moods, the day and also has orders coming it that directly affect life, self-esteem and finances.
So for it to go quiet is different to being away on holiday with access, it is somehow a warning of what’s to come. This terrible dependence on technology which leaps and bounds forward but suddenly cannot cope, has hit a wall. They seem unable to repair the system. It is not us, it is the holding company.
Yesterday became rather calm. Lots of other things got done, finished, looked into and settled, but I was ready to be connected again and still there is nothing.

On another note I am reading a book about Death. It is not the first by any means. It is badly written, but none the less it struck me last night quite forcefully and I fell asleep really conscious of how much we deny it’s existence. How many of us there are on the planet, yet in our “civilised” world most of us never touch it. It barely comes near us and we cruise through the days blissfully unaware of how close it is. Lying next to Isadora reading a personal account of a child dying was strange, my worst fear, yet comforting in a way. I fell asleep thinking about my own death and wondering how scared I will be as it get close. I know how quickly I can flip into the terror when I face the loss of my children, I nearly lost Isadora twice.
But I don’t think we discuss or look at death nearly enough in our lives. After lunch with my mother and her total refusal to look at or discuss how much she hates her life I realise it s important. I don’t want to face my death with regrets. That does not mean I want to blow everything and have wild adventures, but I do want to be present, open and willing to have what is given to me. Yesterday, in the calm at home I felt this quite strongly.