Some days are harder than others


And this is one of them. I am struggling to climb out of a black pit. Such fun. One day fine, next day fine, on and on for ages, then bang! Wake up feeling hideous! Then someone or something nice happens and I feel fine again. It is too early for nice things to happen. My favorite time of day is not filled with things that make me feel better, it is laden with work, papers, bills and things I would rather not face.
In truth I want to be lying on my back, comfortable and warm, with my forehead being softly stroked whilst someone, who knows and loves me, tells me with total conviction that I am doing well and it will all be fine. I know it is cheeky and a lot to ask, but why does it never happen? What is going on? Just for a few moments, to be cradled, held and ….. what? Let someone else make it better? No way.

I will get up from my desk in a moment and continue as if nothing is out of kilter. That I did not spend most of the night with a wriggling child who is unwell. I am not menstrual and jetlagged and that I can do anything, for hours. That’s what it’s about, life, isn’t it. Soldering on. Endless repetition. Brushing teeth, cooking food, clearing up. But each glance in the mirror tells a different story. What is it about mirrors? They hold something way beyond now. The reflection of ourselves. We look, lift our chin, smile stightly, turn to a more flattering angle, look ourselves up and down, nod and walk away. A ceremony conducted by thousands, millions, in front of mirrors. And little by little we get older.

Awful weblog, I know, but it can’t all be Death and meditation. Sometimes it has to be the reality of life, and it is feeling real and scary today.