One Month Later


I am quite shocked by the whirlwind that was created by death. Two so opposite things: a death and a whirlwind. But it is as if there was a vortex created by the acceptance of a soul back to the heavens. As if a black hole was made in our lives. Swirling masses of empty space and the surrounding life having to re-order itself to accept the loss.

I have not come so close to death for a long time, and when I did brush by, it was not so personal. My father, funny how that can be impersonal, but I did not know him. I only met him a few times and then bang. A black hole and he was gone. All my dreams, hopes and illusions went with him. Sucked into the emptiness left by his death. There was a cavernous emptiness around him when he was alive, so it just got bigger for a while. A friend lost her husband to lung cancer. His death was slow and painful and in the next street, but still not close. Then a friend recently lost his son to a herioin overdose. That was desolation in the extreme. So much pain and loss, most of it for all our fears, rather than the loss of him. Such a beautiful, charming boy. So young. But the black hole still has not closed. I am not sure it ever does with children.

But I have digressed. Coming back to the death of my friend, who lived in my house. Sad, unexpected, shocking. But beyond all of that, such a totally Divine person. Gone forever. Never again to be seen, hugged, loved or talked to. It is so hard to accept.

I put the children to bed at 8pm the other night and noticed that the video player in the bedroom said 23.55. A few minutes later it said 11.15. I know she was around but went to bed to read. Said nothing to the children , just watched the clock on the video slowly going backwards. I woke at 2am to chills all over my skin. Isadora called out Martha in her sleep and I said goodbye. She is still around, but now that the ashes have gone to her country she is more peaceful.

I come back to my reaction to being close to death. So surprising, so painful. Emotions that surface at no other time. Such intensity of feeling that is so hard to allow to just be there. And then 35,000 children die every day. All that loss stirring in the world, and we just go on consuming. Several friends have recently returned from glamourous holidays in Kenya, and there, they are dying at an alarming rate. I fail to make sense of anything any more. Yogi Bhajan always said there will come a time when it will all start to fall apart. It seems to me that it is rushing up to us. That it is all caving in. All the structures that we build around us are fraying. I have no idea how quickly it will happen, but I can feel the ripples building up.