Oh, my, mind
Over the years I have had many thoughts about how to remind myself to be present. These have included considering having Breathe tattooed on my hand, leaving post-it notes all over my life to remind me to stop thinking, an elastic band around my wrist for snapping when I cannot ground my thoughts, endless foot massages to pull me back into my body, wearing a mala to remind me to use a mantra instead of thinking. The list is long, endless, and sometimes downright insane.
I have no shame about how hard I find this thing, The Now. I am not embarrassed by it at all. I am constantly stunned by how tricky and devious the mind, my mind, can be. It is working 24/7, machinating, swerving, dodging and dealing it’s way through my daily experience in a way that leaves me open mouthed in amazement and very impressed.
I can watch my mind and am clearly getting better at doing so, but conquering it is still an ambition. I feel like a child looking up at this huge edifice that I am unable to climb and I am awe struck.
Please do not think that I am daunted in any way. I do love a challenge. I have a rebellious streak. I am determined and ruthless in my goals. So I persist.
And now here is the rub: They say “what you resist persists. Irritating and oh, so smug, but there is truth here. Why do I not just sit back and totally accept myself? It would all be so simple if I just shrugged and laughed at the daily insanity that turns within. If I just relaxed back into my inner turmoil and smiled indulgently at it, oh, what bliss that could be. But I can see that my mind would never allow it to be so.
My latest little drama is that I have gotten so good at spotting when I am away from now that my mind has become incredibly fast at pulling me out. Recently I have had sick children with a vomiting bug. I lie awake at night trying to calm my mind so I can go back to sleep after being up with kids. I use a mantra, Ra Ma Da Sa, Sa Say So Hung, it is an amazing mantra for healing. But I notice that I cannot even get two thirds of the way through one repetition of it before my mind has dragged me, silently and stealthily out. I am gone into my thoughts so fast, so sneakily, so invisibly, it is stunning.