I have had my friends’ ashes in the house for the past week and each day have been meditating with them in the room. In fact, straight in front of me. This was not a conscious act, initially. It was only once I had started, on the first day, that I realsied there was something else going on. I have sat with them for a few days and the weight has grown heavier each day, until yesterday it was too much. I could no longer continue without some kind of protection. So I am now dressed from head to toe in white, and feeling much stronger.
I placed the urn on an altar in the offife overnight and played a mantra to it for the entire evening. It is definately calmer now. I have to decide if I will put it back to continie with my practice. Strangely I am not too aware of her presence, just the tingling that goes with death.
I am 32 days into this meditation now, and am going to continue for 120 days. It is long, but good. I like the effects it is having. I feel better, clearer, more solid. Which is what it is all about. But as it is so long I am not doing much yoga. I just sit and go into the trance that is consequence of the experience.
I have always found it a very interesting topic to bring up wth people, especially in yoga classes, just before starting the deeper experience. “Do you meditate?” The reaction is rarely if ever positive, and seems to be akin to asking if you have underwear on. It engenders a state of deep shame. I have questioned myself as to whether it is the way I ask the question, or if it is because it is me asking it, and find that it is not affected positively be me asking differently or by soemone else asking. The reaction is the same all over. A shifting of position, a lowering of heads, or a stiffness. I have become quite facinated by the way most people react to the question. So much so that I have made a DVD about how to meditate. This is not to push the thing, but to have the opportunity of writing about how it was to each meditation in this way. It is not out yet, so I have no idea as to how it will be received, but thinking it through on such a specific level took a year. How to show the experience and make it tempting, engaging and fruitful. Quite a task.
I had a class of newcomers on Monday night. 5 students, none of whom had ever sat and tried to separate from their minds. I could see that the concept was interesting, but still deeply wierd; why put the mind down? It is so great, so helpful, such a tool. I wondered for a moment if we were talking about the same thing, but then, most people do seem to think the mind indispesible and the idea of letting it have a rest rather alien. I long for the moments of stillness. Nothing. Just space. I am speeding up to go and experience the peace that it carries.
My three year old has come charging through the dark house to the office, determined to talk to God with me. I will see how it goes.