Life has changed

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My life has changed rather drastically. I go home and relax, I eat only salad for lunch. I have no stress when I am at home, it is becoming quite delightful.

The stress levels have dropped dramatically. A couple of weeks ago I was going all over the place in my head. Endless dramatic endings and huge falls. Crisis after crisis. Now I am much more in the day. Present and able to meditate and even to sit and repeat I Am without my mind throwing up a tsunami of resistance. It is such a relief. It is funny, sad really, how inadequate I can feel if I cannot remember to stop for a moment before reacting to the horrors of my mind.

I was thinking about it this morning, how foul my mind can be, torturing, bitchy, endless and awful. Digging holes in my self esteem and daily routines, and yet it is mine, with me all the time, supposedly in charge. Look where it has got all of us.
So when I loose the ability to stop it, I feel totally crushed and defeated. I suppose we all do, but have no idea what it is that is doing the crushing and the defeating and no idea how to stop it.

My husband is currently doing a meditation called Sat Kriya. It is truly impossible to do anything beside it. It is a rhythmic and noisy repetition of mantra that intrudes onto everything. I don’t begrudge him the time and space, but what I then do is make every walking moment an opportunity for I Am.

Loosing touch with it is awful. Getting it back is like finding a lost friend. Such smiles, such relief.