Babies and Birthdays

532

I slept really badly last night. I think it was because it was my daughter’s birthday today and there is always a strange memory thing that happens in the womb as the time comes.
It was also very hot. I love hearing the cicadas starting up at 5.30am. the first one starts and the rest tentatively join in, stretching their legs and waking up, then they really get going and it is so loud.

We have tamed a peacock who comes for fruit in the morning. He is so beautiful. The only one with a full tail, very arrogant and pleased with himself, but a total fruit tart. He will come up and feed from my hand for a grape. I wish everythinbg was this easy. offer a grape and the world opens up. It is not exactly what the peacock does, but he will wild break bird rules to be fed.

Life here is as usual. Every year I have the same lessons to learn. Every year I hate the fact that I really don’t quite get it. What I don’t get is why it bothers me to be around people who don’t like me. I just cannot find a comfortable place with it. When I get the looks, and all the rest, I don’t get amused or rebellious, I get upset and I truly hate myself for it. It seems so childish and pathetic. And every year it is the same. Life here is quite isolated. We don’t go out and meet others, we don’t have friends here, so there is nothing to break it up. It is 24 hours a day of the sisters, meetings, problems and insecurity. The price we pay for a free house, I suppose.
But I want to learn the lesson and not keep coming back to the karmic roundabout that has been swirling here for 13 years for me.
Suggestions gratefully received.