Karmic Cycles

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Karmic cycles. Hard to explain, but easy to see.
I tend to see a grey merry-go-round each time I feel as though I have just hit a karmic cycle.
What do I mean by Karmic Cycles? They are those recurrent moments or events or patterns in life that just will not go away, that until you get some perspective on what you are doing in this human existence, you have no consciousness of them, but when you get distance from the mind and a distance and perspective on how you live your life you start to see patterns. An easy way to explain it is if you think of a woman who has been beaten in a relationship. Her karmic cycle would be to go back to the man and it happen again. If she had the strength to leave him, she may find herself in another violent relationship. Simplistic but effective example.
For me, one of the cycles that brings the grey roundabout up is friendship. I cannot seem to work out what I am meant to do about it short of not bothering any more. I am puzzled. Yesterday I wanted to talk to a friend. Not about anything light, about another karmic cycle, the au pair thing, and I sat in the car and could not think of anyone I could actually discuss it with. I even went as far as scrolling through my mobile to see if there was some fabulous friend waiting there that I had forgotten.
Of course there are people I love, old friends, people I can be funny with people I can help and listen to, but I don’t find myself able to express ME any more. My mind is like a stuck record. The issues of friendship and au pairs are both featuring hugely in my life. I think the friendship thing is because my closest friend is now living abroad, and it is hard to replace a long-term acceptance and history with someone. She was there all the way through my sobriety, my marriage, children. All of it. I don’t want to explain myself again. It is my resistance. I am not a normal person. I don’t want to be normal, so I have to let it go and relax.
Au pairs are another thing entirely. Miles, a charming man from an au pair agency this morning did clarify things hugely. Apparently it is not all me. Because of the EU anyone can come here now. They don’t need us working mothers to bring them over; they can come and go as they please. SO they get here, discover that they can earn 3 times more as a waitress and piss off. It is causing chaos with the au pair lifestyle and affecting lots of women. Do I feel better now I know this? Please believe me I do not. But at least it is not personal! SO I am now waiting for Miles to tell me that he has found the perfect match for my requirements and I promise not to ask him why he is working at an au pair agency.