After more than a week here of feeling good I have had a horrible moment in my day. I am still struggling with my feelings and have to bite my mouth really hard not to cry in public, but I suppose it can’t all be fabulous.
It has been a really good trip thus far. I feel as though India has relaxed with me and allowed me into her secret places. Perhaps today was the price of the ticket.
All week I have been to streets I have never seen before, dealt with exquisitepeople. Seen wonderful sights. Smelt awful smells too, but that is India’s charm. I have done business with some truly wonderful people in the last few days, including having gems cut to make a mala for a friend. When I touched the mala today I wanted to cry. The strength in the stones was truly palpable. They looked like tears. So light, so radiant, so healing. It was thrilling to see something so beautiful, that I had seen as aquamarine chips only a day before.
But I was really taken by a couple of people this morning and it has knocked my
confidence so hard. I try to do all the work here with meditation, prayer and a deep following of my intuition, so a really negative result is painful from so many quarters. Not just my own sense of failure, but the way the two men behaved, both of whom assure me endlessly that they are not like “the others”, that they are giving me a good price, that I can trust them. I feel as though they were using me as the large piece of wood in a fight between themselves. At first I did not understand and rose to the bait. So angry at the one one supposedly had tricked me, according to the man I was with. I was so furious I could not speak. I tried to call and cancel the work, to humiliate him in front of his family and customers, but could not get through. God works in mysterious ways. As I sat listening to how I was being taken, with the man in front of me laughing at me and commenting on how badly I conducted my business affairs that I could not see the nose in front of my face, I realised that hewas also being foul and dishonest and that my anger was his.
I am not being clear, I know. But it has taken me all day to levitate above and see it as their nature. It is not personal. They are on the planet to make money. Lots of it, and relationships do not matter to them in the way that they do to other traders here. If I walk away, never to walk into the shop again it will not matter because so many others are lined up to take my place and these men are like ring masters conducting a circus made up of wholesalers and tourists. They are mainly, not all, in the business of emptying our wallets, and we are in the business of trying to slow them down as much as possible. It is not always clear who has won, but today it was not me.
So I struggle to stay with the positive sensations and memories attached to being here and feel sad.
It will pass. Financial insecurity is so tiresome.
Otherwise India is a delight. Starting to heat up, dusty, bleached and endlessly