I have nothing to say


And I know that’s not true, there’s always so much churning around inside all of us. I say what I think about because I have learned to be aware of what I think, but most of us humans have no idea as to what is going through our heads most of the time.
I remember when I first got clean I had smoked dope for so many years, continuously stoned pretty much every day. My head was so horribly woolly, I could not construct a coherent line of thought. I had used the dope to acheive this exact state. It was not an accident, but then going without for a long a enough period to notice my brain was terrifying.
Anyone who knew anything about sobriety took great pleasure in telling me how long it would take for the fog to clear: Five years. They were right. It really did take that long for a line of thought to be able to be followed, to be remembered even. I became so aware of how I was thinking, what was I thinking, how did I get to this thought, that now I can always trace the line back.
No prizes needed. The conversation is not for that, but now, when teaching and talking with friends, I notice how few have any awareness or control of their thoughts at all. There is so little notion that thoughts can be stopped, that you can choose to think, or not. And having always been somewhat neurotic in my thinking it is now just divine to be able to say, No. I am not going to think about that right now.
Meditation is the key, the way to put the mind down, or to force it to sit and work for you. But meditation is work. Really hard work. And most of us avoid hard work, especially when it is unpaid. I finished my 45 day meditation a few days ago and am sad that it is over, but at the same time I am relishing the break from the discipline. I know I must take another one, or go again through the one I was doing, but I am not yet ready to commit. The 45 days was long and hard. Coming at the time when my friend died made it even harder, yet at the same time it made it so much more potent, I know.
So the moral is, if you want to think straight, and want to be in charge of your thought processes, it is meditation that will take you there. Find a teacher.