I am scared


I am scared and I feel like a child. I have set in motion so much over the past year, and here goes another project, beaming itself out into the ethers, but I am having the pre-production fears that always come before I do anything big. This is big, a vegetarian cooking DVD. I sat in bed with my P.A. ~ it is the only way to escape the clutches of the internet and the phone and the children~ we sat there with a big frilly pillow each and constructed the shooting shedule and wrote out the processes needed to build a DVD. I was hoping I would feel better at the end, but I don’t. I feel more nervous at seeing how huge the project is. We have so much to shoot. I know it is so because there is so much to say, and I could make it less, but then it would not be saying what needs to be said.

There are so many people involved now that it is really big. I lie at night, listening to the squirrel knawing at the rafters, thinking about how to make it work, how to put it all together, who to visualise each part. The nights can be long. Really long. But now there are only two days to go. I am about to go to Borough Market to get the last bits and pieces. The kitchen is piled high with boxes of stuff and I feel very responsible.

I have a most irritating thing that tells me I am stressed, and it is here now. I get terrible tinnitus. A roaring in my ears. White noise that screams RELAX at me.
I rang the homeopath and said I was stressed and the dissaproval was palpable. Somehow we are not supposed to be stressed and continue. We are supposed to be stressed and stop immediatly. As if it is a bad and naughty state of being. For me it is a state that comes with deciding to live my life how I want to live it. Not to get a job working for someone else, but to invest the money we have in projects which have integrity and that touch people in a non-corporate way. It is stressful. Great fun, too. Liberating, scary, overwhelming and Oh! so priviledged to be in this situation.

When I was pregnant, with both my children, I decided that I did not want scans. It is interesting how refusing the norm is stressful. I did not want the invasion of the scanning energy on my babies inside me, so I refused. Had no medical intervention at all. I was accused of medical negligence by my Doctor, but continued as I had lost so many I decided to trust the Universe that I would have the child I was meant to have and endlessly scanning it was only going to illustrate a total lack of trust in the process. But it was stressful to step out of the loop. Especially as a birthing teacher. I knew too much. I had lost too much for it to be easy. But it was perfect. My children are Divine, as are all children, they were born Divine and perfect. All that wasted stress. I need to learn how to put it somewhere else. How to transform the vibration into something else.

Like three weeks ago, before I went to India. I was highly stressed. The death of my friend had shaken up so much I was, we all were, really conscious of the tenuous connection that we have to this Hectic Life. I left feeling as though I would die on the plane and never see my children again. A really tragic parting. But here I am.

Time to be fine with everything. Trust all of it. Put in the footwork, but trust there is a plan.