How hard can it be?


How hard can it be?

I have my first day off for months and I seem to be unable to relax. It is hideous! My children are completely incapable of playing without me, there is food to be cooked, the kitchen to clear, dogs to walk and I am incapable of finding time to myself, alone.

I have ended up threatening the children that if they do not go and play they will go to bed, just so I can have 5 minutes alone. How bad is that? I have said no all day to TV because I hate it and it is not a solution at all. I got them to do 100 star jumps to stop the squabbling and refuse to play Monopoly because I hate how I behave….
Oh, God, I can so easily feel like a bad mother. And I do, I do.

We had a two day shoot in the country last week and I took Isadora with me. She was great. An excellent model for the pictures, cooked great cakes, played and hung out like a real girl and it was a pleasure to spend time with her. I think it was good, too, to have such a concentrated time with her. Although it does not appear to have had a long term effect on her ability to sulk…

The shop is one year old this week. One year goes by very fast. It flies by, in fact. We have done well. Better than predicted, but of course it is no where near enough. I always want more, to be elsewhere, to be slimmer, taller, richer. Anything other than here and now. I don’t see it as a personal failing, more as the human condition that on some level we all go through.

Getting older is so interesting. It is something that Baptiste and I were discussing today. How cruel it is.
I hated my looks and my body all through my teens, my twenties and my thirties and now I would love to be anywhere close to that size or shape now! And to see the gradual wearing away of the veneer, the cracks and chips that now appear and the faded parts. I have no real resistance, I don’t actually wish to be younger or to go back, mainly because I am so much happier in my head, but it is a quest in the deepest sense to take it all on and to see it happening around me, too. My peers are also slipping down, fading, getting sick and tired, grumpy and old.

I confessed today my most hated moment in the day.

The school run. Arghhh!

I cannot say any more. It falls into what one cannot say on weblog.