As I fell asleep last night I carried on the thoughts processes that have occupied my mind for the past few days.
They have stemmed from several different experiences, but have been thrown into sharp focus by taking on so many workshops recently and in that, really finding myself questioning the value of all that I teach.
How much of what I have been taught has actually served me well? How much power do I give away by giving authority to others? Who are the others that take it? How much of that is gender driven, archetype laden, religious indoctrination or spiritual longing?
These questions and many more have been turning inside me for several weeks and as I fell asleep last night I was aware of no longer wanting to pray to an entity outside of me. To divest myself into something else. I want to pray to the most profound part of myself. Not my intellect, I am not an intellectual, but to my soul, to my longing to be more, brighter, emanating acceptance, peace, love and stillness. I donÄôt want to long to be better for the external approbation of anyone else.
I, we, have to find our true magnificence inside ourselves, not in some other figure, usually male, who makes all manner of rules, regulations and statements about how we, the girls with so much longing, should be disporting ourselves in the glorious life.
We were married by a man who wrote a book called God in Us. He stated that God was with in, it was not a concept that one had to go looking for externally. We were the last ceremony he presided over. He was excommunicated by the Church.
So I woke up at 5am and started trying to put all of this into words. It took a while, but between yoga poses, meditations and breakfast I finally managed to gain clarity, and to express my deepest feelings about it all.
What we teach, as teachers, has to serve now. It has to empower people truly into themselves. To cut the ties to external judgement and comment. The religious crap, the death, murder, destruction and hatred that abounds now is totally pointless. There is another way.
How to do that is the next step.