Emotions unbidden


This morning was much harder in a way. I woke feeling horrid. Dreams of financial insecurity, money stolen, forgettinng numbers and phones, but with a bag full of beautiful malas and gifts. I took an angel card that someone gave me the other day and it said I have been having lots of strong dreams and I should take note of them, they do have a message. Having had extreme dreams all my life, I do not feel the need to rush out and buy a journal for them, but since that card I am finding them easier to remember.
I digress. The night was long. I woke often, and this morning was filled with emotion. I suppose I have held onto so much for so many years, that eventually the dam has to overflow. I don’t think it has broken, but the pressure has eased.
Baptiste has been ill for 8 years, seriously ill for three of them, and I suppose that it has been, as he decribed yesterday, flirting with death. Endlessly.
Now he is recovering, I have a huge backlog of emotion which wants to be released. Feelings of loss, abandonment, fear, terror, sadness and fury all tied up tightly in my abdomen.
So this morning it seemed impossible to suppress it. I was meditating and trying to hold back the feeling. Telling myself it was just my mind, I need not attach myself, it will pass. But soon it was too much and a great wave of crying overtook me.
It is now several hours since then. I have been to the flower market, made the kids breakfast, but there is still stuff clawing it’s way up to be let out. But now it is daytime. Light, people around, no privacy, and I have to push it down for another while.