I feel like a worker ant, madly rushing through everything with no time to be a person. The worst part about it is the controller. The awful realisation dawned on me this morning as I sat on my yoga mat girding my self to do camel pose: I am the controller and the idiot running around like a headless chicken!
Awful and shocking reality.
How to change this reality is the next huge question.
Answers, I am waiting for. I assured my husband that I would not come up with any more ideas before Christmas. He felt that was a somewhat draconian step.
I came back from the summer holiday feeling relaxed and calm. Yesterday I was so profoundly stressed it was horrid.
I did remember to breathe, I did take distance, I did drink water, and all the other things that will help me, but ultimately I went home needing a splash of cold water.
IT. What is IT? This thing that we all want to ÄúgetÄù? What is this thing that we aim for? Enlightenment. Surely it is being able to be totally present to whatever happens, right now, here, no anger, no reaction either way, just a rock with the experiences washing over me.
If I arrive at that place will there be a big flash and every thing disappears and I have won? Is that IT? All the maya of life slips away and I am suddenly just having a lesson, a laugh? A soul moving through itsÄô lessons having just learned another one?
This is all a moment of nothing? All my experiences with life, death, children, anger managementÄ¶. If it is, why does the hideousness of ageing have to be in it, too? Is it not challenging enough without watching the march of time across onesÄô body?