Angst. And cark.
A new word, cark. It is another definition of angst which is a derivative of anxiety.
Today, along with stress, my world is made up of words. In fact it has been words that have made up the bulk of my last few days.
A lot of the words have been spoken or written by me, it is true, some have been said by my children and my husband, quite a few, actually, and then great swathes come from others, not many of which I actually want to look at, take in, acknowledge, deal with or respond to.
I have peaked on grumpy old men, too, which is profoundly hampering several of my life experiences.
So I have spent the morning trying to land. I am far from grounded. I have breathed deeply. Nailed a smile to my face, put on mascara and now sit here hoping that the act of writing will drag me into now.
I have had two days at home to write the text for a new website. That was the intention but the reality was that I achieved a structure, but not as much verbal filling as had been longed for. But in the searching for the style, the method behind the content it is now becoming so much clearer and 9 months of hard work is beginning to come alive, visually. I will have something to show quite soon, I hope.
Being at home was interesting. We are in the middle of a huge stock take and so my husband has been at storage all day all week, the children at school, and the au pair improving her knowledge of English. This left me home, alone, in the silence, for the first time in 9 years. A strange reality, in fact, but it was great. Calm, still, silent. Just me in my cark and angst trying to drag out of myself all that I want to have on this new site.
It is part Devotion, the store and then a whole new space called This Life divine. It will take a while longer, but it is pretty much there.
So, have I grounded myself? No, but I have become very clear about how much energy I put into relationships and intense discussions with people that really serve nothing positive. The usual weblog constraints apply here, so I will not expand, suffice to say, good boundaries are essential, and mine have been blown about a bit recently.